Can't fit it all here, so see the rest on http://expage.com/page/lifesearch3 for the rest.

The Easter Egg Hunt
circa 1958

It was as if she were invisible. Everyone around her was going about their mission of having fun, running and collecting their booty - all totally unaware of this speck of a child who was NOT having fun.

She was o v e r w h e l m e d by the sheer hopelessness of it. She was alone, invisible. She knew NO ONE. And it was hopeless. As little people do, she knew only that moment. That moment was her life. And her life was too much to bear.

She was afraid; she didn't know of what. No one was actually threatening her directly. But everyone who ever took care of her was gone. For all she knew, forever. If this was her life, and everyone that represented love and safety were gone, she did not want life. Life, as she knew it in that moment, (which she thought of as her life, as little people do) was too hard. She could not see beyond hopelessness, beyond fear, beyond - a-ban-don-ment.

The earth beneath her was solid. She knew that because it was providing no comfort. It would not swallow her and protect her from the hurricane of people swirling about her. She couldn't go THROUGH the people hurricane. Even if she knew which way to go, which she didn't, she was too small, too alone, too scared to take the steps that would get her out of the eye of the storm. So she was stuck there. In her mind ---f o r e v e r. Having no concept of "future," understanding only "now," she knew she was stuck there forever.

Her little mind relived over and over her brother's stronger hands being, in her mind, ripped from her. And he was the one thing that stood between her and all these people. All of them seemingly knowing exactly where to go and what to do. She didn't know where the other people her age were supposed to be, and there was no big person who stepped into her space, swooped her up, and took her where she could have fun too. No one rescued her.

Even after she was found, the feeling didn't pass. If it could happen once, then she could never be safe. "Happy" would allude her, of course, because "happy" was what everyone else was while she was wishing she could sink into the arms of the earth. She "couldn't" get past those feelings; it was too hard. What she wanted was to --- was to --- not be alive. "Alive" meant fear, overwhelming expectations, and hopelessness. And she did not want that for even one more minute.

When the people found her, they tried to comfort her by commenting on what a big girl she was. Who were they kidding? She wasn't a big girl. Unless - oh my God, unless big girls are scared too. Big girls are left alone, in the middle of a storm everyone else called "life" - that everyone else called "fun." Big girls also see life as something to endure. Something to e n d u r e - for this moment, and the next moment. And as each moment followed other moments, she realized that would be forever. That would be life.

And for the rest of her life, people would expect her to perform despite her fear. Why didn't she just join in, they asked. Why didn't she just run find eggs like everyone else - it didn't matter she was not in her group - she could have found eggs anyway. No one would have minded that she was in the wrong group. What was she thinking? Now she would have no eggs, and everyone else would. Everyone else was having fun, everyone else was gathering their eggs. And she just stood there. That didn't make sense to the big people who said they loved her.

She couldn't explain it to them. She didn't have the words. But she learned her lesson. It would be expected of her to do what she was supposed to be doing, despite feeling overwhelmed and afraid. Otherwise, her basket would be empty every time. As she grew physically, every task, every achievement, would feel too hard, too confusing. She learned ways to tackle tasks, but inside it was always an effort. An effort she resented - and sometimes resisted - having to make. Inside she wished she didn't have to do it. To do ANYTHING. Inside, other people's expectations seemed a cruel reminder that she had to keep DOING and BEING. There was no earth to swallow her up and protect her from the expectations of life on children and big people. Every moment is forever. And forever would not stop as long as the hunt continued. Her whole life was a hunt, an attempt to fill her basket. It seemed so easy for everyone else. But for her, no matter how full her basket would become, each egg, each accomplishment, would require all her courage, all her strength. And she hated every minute of it. She didn't want to gather eggs, she didn't want to LIVE - because as long as she was alive, everyone would expect her to do what everyone else does. And THAT - would never be easy for HER. Did she want eggs? Sometimes. But frankly, she wanted someone else to gather them for her. As a big girl, she gathered them. But didn't like being required to do it. Required? Yes, by this thing called "life." And that would be true - forever. Until she died. And for reasons she never understood, God would not end the hunt - until her basket was full. - 30 - _____________________________________ Parents, let me say this. Some other child probably would not have internalized like that little girl. Why did she? We don't know yet. And you cannot live in fear (or guilt) that one of your child's moments will haunt them and shape their lives forever. I'm 43, and I just now have started to realize how important validation is. Would her life have been different if someone had held her and acknowledged her fear? If someone had "gotten into her head" and validated those feelings? Acknowledged she was scared but that it was all over? Please try to imagine what your child's life looks like from their perspective. They don't have your wisdom, your experience, your reasoning. They know only each moment. In fact, it's a sign of maturity when we can begin to see beyond the moment. What little child didn't cry as if the world would end because you didn't let her friend spend the night? We grow. We grow up. We find out that, well, I didn't get what I wanted this time, but maybe next time I will. But which of your child's m o m e n t s might affect her FOREVER? Might define her view of life and people? Which moment would freeze in time, and become life as she knows it? Which of your children needs you to hold them today? ___________ The leftovers: Being around too many people (which sometimes can be just one or two) d r a i n s me. I can be around my husband. I don't feel pressure from him to be anyone other than myself. I resent life. I hate for people to have expectations of me beyond what I can - and want - to give. And sometimes, frankly, that means beyond just BEING. For BEING is in itself an effort for me. I can only tolerate crowds for awhile and then I can't. I want to scream. I want to break away. I wish I were dead every minute of my life. I enjoy some of my moments, but the underlying theme is the same. And believe it or not, I'm not really a negative person. I believe in hope. I believe in miracles. I believe in the love of God and the power it has in people. I believe in myself. (oh, my, you're thinking. How can she say THAT?) But I do. There are some things I'm good at. I can do them and I can do them well. But, bottom line? I wish I could sink into the earth and never be expected to do anything again. And if that can't happen, I resent that God above doesn't take away this - this - whatever it is that makes me feel this way. I particularly resent having to do things I'm NOT good at. Is my basket full? Evidently not. God will not let me come home till it is. I just wish He'd show me where those dad-gum eggs are.